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I don't like my mom and she is coming to stay with me, how to prevent it or handle in the best way?

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( 4 months ago )

My mother used to taunt me for not being a good student and my stutter, maybe that was her way of taking our her frustration, in my senior secondary school she took it so far that I had to think about how to commit suicide or run away from the house to get her out of my life, but I was able to do neither. Right from that time, I stopped talking to her and eating anything she cooked and for this she created a scene and got my grandfather involved to let me talk to her again. I don't like her from that time. She is a sweet lady and behaves well with everyone but somehow manages to piss/scare/frustrate me.

I stayed with my family during my engineering for 4 years but always maintained distance from mother as I know what she can do and she will never change herself but put all her energy/efforts to tell me how much of a loser I am and how I need to change. My being gullible/nice/weak makes it much easier for her.

Now I'm working in another city and want myself and her to be happy in their own cities but she wants to come to stay with me for some days/weeks, I can't take it. I am doing quite well with my job and transfer her money enough to pay bills and live a luxurious life. If she comes and messes my brain again my new job will get affected.

Somehow my father is also not that big fan of my mother. I appreciate my father, when I was going though a bad time he told me that I should just do my best and not worry much about the result since everything is not in our hands. Whereas my mother would be ready to sacrifice my happiness/health/maybe life for money/success. She proved the same again when I was working for a company last year and was frustrated with the same, her advice was that I should keep working there.

I don't mind the past and can manage with the same but can't bear her with me in my house now or in future. At least I need my father to be around to balance out the negativity she spreads, but my father is not coming to my place with her. She may behave well with me for now but if I somehow go though bad time again in life, she will increase my trouble exponentially and maybe I'm much stronger now to do what I was not able to do earlier. Other than this I don't like and can't take it if she is the only person around me.

I'm thinking about switching off my phone when she is here so she stays at my Aunt's place instead of my place, moving to a friend's place for a couple of days and tell her that I can't come home because of work at the office. Can there be any better solution for the same.



( 4 months ago )

It looks from your post that you have very good reasons not to let your mother stay at your place. It seems that in spite of seeing all the reasons why this is a bad idea you are still hesitant. A few points to consider:

  • If your mother stays even for one night it will be harder to ask her to leave or not to repeat her visit in the future.
  • Not everyone would invite their parents to stay in their place even if they are in a good relationship.
  • Many parents would not ask to stay at their children place without invitation or if they noticed that the child is not entirely happy with the suggestion. There is no reason to treat your mother better only because she can't/won't notice you're not happy with the idea.
  • It is extremely important to look after your own well being. For yourself and for people around you.

In terms of how to do it - I don't think you should need to move anywhere or make up anything. What about if you say that she can't stay at your place? And if pressed for a reason say you don't want her to stay with you. I know it sounds like a harsh thing to say for a nice person. But it is not harsh - it is just setting and guarding your boundaries. Also - you know these people who can tell others things they really don't want to hear and it does not sound even a bit harsh? I think the key is not to say it as if you were guilty and feeling somewhat bad about your decision. But rather state it as a (sad) fact. Which actually it is. A sad fact that your mother can't stay at your place. And avoid giving any explanation and going into details. Another thing is - if your mother cares for you (in spite of making all these huge mistakes) - she will understand and appreciate the level of contact you are happy to keep. If she does not care - even more of a reason to not care so much either and take care of yourself.

You mentioned the option of switching off your phone. But that similarly as the idea of moving out from your flat temporarily sounds like instead of trying to put a boundary of your territory (and it is definitely yours: your home, phone, time) you let your mother to come closer than you can accept and move back yourself. It sounds like you feel strongly about no letting your mother come and stay - so this is the minimum. You also have the right to refuse to talk to her/talk to her more often that you want to/see her. I'm not saying it is a good idea. Just suggest than you think of what level of communication with your mother would be best for you and how it compares to reality.

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